There are times in life when you have had enough - enough of trying to be strong, enough of confirming to an image of a successful, independent, strong-minded woman - jis ko hum Urdu mai kehte hain k "bas" ho gai hai. I know being a feminist is the "in" thing these days and I do support woman rights and all that but seriously, I get tired of being strong and independent-minded. Usually, there is nothing I would want more than being home with the people I most love, in the country that runs in my blood and all the politically correct feminist thinking can go to the rubbish heap. It's a curious phenomenon. People never tire of telling me how they admire me and how successful and brilliant I am. I sigh and listen in silence but I can not help wondering whether I am too thankless or just aching for things that really matter.
Life is not a story of black and whites, to-haves and goals to achieve. It's more like a road with pitfalls, smooth rides, flowers along the way and pebbles under the feet but one thing is permanent - change. It is not monotonous - that would be boring - but it is also not about reaching destinations. There is no outward destination - all that talk about achieving this and that is all very well but not what really matters. What matters is how happy you are along the way and how much you explore your inner self and come to peace with the ultimate truth.
Every one of us has a unique story and a unique relationship with Allah. There are no hard and fast rules. Some things may come easy to some people and others may keep aching for them. I have found that if you ask people, almost all of them would say they have problems or they want something they have been unable to get. Satisfaction is not the strong point of humans. Nevertheless, I always wonder at this strange phenomenon of comparative success - what is success for one can be nothing but superficiality to the other.
The curious thing is that although I know about these things, have seen plenty of people of all types going through various phases in life; have seen people changing in unimaginable ways; have seen prayers come true in unexpected ways and yet, there are times I despair. Not of the mercy of God - no, never of that as I am sure that Allah's mercy overpowers His anger - but of how long it is possible to keep up a charade, of being strong, happy-go-lucky, brilliant and someone who you are not when all you want is to melt in the crowd, to be the girl next door.
Keeping appearances is hard and it isolates you from people. There are very, very few people who can actually look through the smoke and see the real you and value you as who you are. The others are just taken in by the flash and brilliance and you go on trying to be what people take you to be. It can be very exhausting. Only Allah knows hearts and I am glad, because if someone were to know what mine holds now, they would be overwhelmed by the intensity of emotions.
Faroha Liaqat
http://avoiceforislam.blogspot.com
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