Struggles with Self!

There are days and times when you just want OUT, although there is a question mark over what "Out" is. It seems to be one of those days when I am bone-tired - tired of rising up to people's expectations, tired of fighting, tired of the hypocrisy that surrounds us, of the double standards that disgust me. I know all of us feel this tiredness some time or the other when we feel weighed down by too many things and want some real quiet and peace. I feel on the verge of tears and these are not tears of sadness but of exhaustion. I have this overwhelming desire of being understood and this indescribable feeling of isolation from even the closest of friends. It is as if I am looking at my own life cynically as an outsider and thoroughly disapproving of the person I have become or the situations I lead myself into. 

This is weird. I see it all, I understand the reasons and I am utterly defeated by my own headstrong self. I often wonder what made me build so many walls around myself, walls that others have tried hard to scale and failed. This is a struggle with my own self and an increasingly futile one. Parallel to this is an even greater struggle - a struggle to come to terms with the mad world I see around me. I used to think that Pakistan suffers from this problem of duplicity and double standards but how wrong I was! It is every where in the world and to a much larger extent in some places. I fail to come to terms with a world where double standards are the norm, dishonesty disguised as tact is the order of the day and morality is looked down upon.

 I was never a fan of capitalism and I see where it has brought our societies but I am always saddened by the pull money has on even the best of people. I do not underestimate the importance of money but is this every thing? I think not! What is richness? An excess of money or a satisfaction with life, a peace with being, family, enough for necessities of life, love, care or even the smile of a child? The answer is clear to me but I am afraid that I am the minority in this increasingly materialistic world.

There are words and thoughts waiting to burst out of me but they fail at my lips. I have no shortage of friends - indeed, I am one of the luckiest people when it comes to friendship- but somehow writing becomes my solace. I have now come to the point where I think none can understand the dpeth of my feelings except Allah. To Him alone, I don't need to say anything -He knows without being told and pours balm into my wounds. Faith is my saviour when the world threatens to tear me apart.

Dr. Faroha Liaqat

http://avoiceforislam.blogspot.com