Alone in a crowd

I was always a loner, even in company. I have this disgusting habit of not connecting with people on a personal level, even though they may feel I connect quite easily. The truth is, I don't. I just act very well. But somehow, all this pretense gets too much for me sometimes. I have this insane urge to break free now, to let go, to be myself. It is always dangerous to build barrages around feelings; once the barrier is gone, the emotions come out with much more intensity. I feel this right now, the faint murmur of pent-up emotions that can become a dangerous roar any moment, threatening to blow me away with their force. However, I can do nothing.

What makes this much harder is that I am away from family and friends. They are the ones who know me, with whom I am always sure of unconditional love and support. I am sick of all this play-acting. I don't want to be a nice girl any more, always saying the right thing, always being politically correct. The reality. however is, that this is a world that honours duplicity and diplomacy. Straight talking finds few fans here.

So this pice of writing is the only place where I can let go, other than in prayer. I already feel an easing of the stifled feeling I had. I know this suffocation happens in life but it is always nice to have people around you who understand you without saying a word. I miss this quiet understanding and acceptance in life here in Germany. I am a stranger living a strange life among strangers.

Faroha Liaqat
http://avoiceforislam.blogspot.com